{"id":128962,"date":"2025-09-28T13:00:00","date_gmt":"2025-09-28T17:00:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/riverheadnewsreview.timesreview.com\/?p=128962"},"modified":"2025-09-25T11:11:46","modified_gmt":"2025-09-25T15:11:46","slug":"column-tales-out-of-sunday-school","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/riverheadnewsreview.timesreview.com\/2025\/09\/128962\/column-tales-out-of-sunday-school\/","title":{"rendered":"Column: Tales out of (Sunday) school"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

Author\u2019s note: Names have been changed to protect the innocent, who are now fully grown and walk among us.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cThis isn\u2019t going to end well,\u201d I was warned by my nearest and dearest.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I\u2019d volunteered to substitute for an ailing Sunday school teacher, minding her class of 5- and 6-year-olds. All I had to do was teach kids to cut out paper angels with blunt scissors. Come on. How hard could that be?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Nearest and dearest was concerned because at that time our boys were in high school, so I hadn\u2019t had recent experience with little ones. \u201cIt\u2019ll be fine,\u201d I insisted. \u201cOur kids survived.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

He walked away muttering, \u201cWas that because you were their mother or in spite of it?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Since the jury was still out, I took the high road, ignoring the comment.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Performance anxiety kicked in that Sunday morning when I was handed a three-page lesson plan.So much for cutand- paste.Turns out these kids didn\u2019t go to Sunday school to make paper angels. They were there to learn about holiness and saintliness. From me. And for that hour, 13 wee souls were in my hands.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I expected this baker\u2019s dozen would march in, single file, like good onward Christian soldiers, but they tumbled in and never once did I get all the soldiers\u2019 bottoms on their little chairs at the same moment.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Instructions said I should start with the Lord\u2019s Prayer, but as I did, Nolan began to cry. Joleen told me it was Nolan\u2019s week to lead the prayer. That was OK by me, so I put away my prayer cheat sheet. (Just kidding, I know it, calm down.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Every kid has their own version of this prayer. Nolan wiped his eyes and runny nose on the back of his hands and holding them solemnly together, snotty little fingers pointed towards the ceiling, gave us his: \u201cOur Father has a car in heaven …\u201d.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

It got worse but I let him finish, then, recited the prayer the proper way. Thirteen blank faces stared up at me. Clearly they preferred Nolan\u2019s version.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cToday\u2019s lesson is about the good Samaritan,\u201d I told them and read the parable, which had been paraphrased to be more easily understood by youngsters. But whoever did the paraphrasing didn\u2019t know squat about youngsters or that certain words cause pandemonium. It was the part of the parable where the man is stripped of his clothes and left naked at the edge of the road that the room exploded with screams, giggles and mayhem.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cNaked! Oh, gross!\u201d Completely naked or only partly naked? These kids wanted all the sordid details and it became a rowdy competition to see how often each could screech the word \u201cnaked\u201d in a sentence.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

So I lied and said that the robbers let him keep his underwear and that calmed everyone down.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I continued reading, but no one listened. Three of the boys were engaged in a contest to see who could flick spitballs across the room into the straw collection basket. Fancy was busy braiding Ruby\u2019s hair and several of them were trying to see how far back they could lean in their chairs without tipping completely backwards and cracking open their tiny, fragile skulls. Attention focused on me again at that part of the parable where the good Samaritan put his clothes on the semi-naked man.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cDoes that mean now the good Dalmatian is naked?\u201d Lucille asked. They assured me and each other that under no circumstances would they ever walk naked down the street leading a donkey. I lied again and said he was wearing long johns.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The Golden Rule lesson went haywire because every kid wanted to shout their favorite: Wash your hands after the bathroom. Don\u2019t put the kitten in the dishwasher again. If Mom says no, ask Dad.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cThose are all good,\u201d I said, \u201cbut they\u2019re not the Golden Rule. Who knows it? Don\u2019t shout; please raise your hands.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Elvira raised her hand and shouted, \u201cDo under others what they do under you.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I explained that Elvira was kind of correct, but it was too late. She was already crying because Nolan called her stupid, then Ruby cried because Elvira was her best friend.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cBe quiet!\u201d I shouted. Twentysix frightened eyes widened and 13 chins trembled, but God bless them, they got quiet. So quiet the teacher from the next room checked if we were all right.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

After she left, I handed out the blunt scissors and taught them how to cut out angels. When Sunday school was over they were smiling and in my book, that\u2019s a win.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Author\u2019s note: The following year I became their weekly Sunday school teacher and \u2013 so far \u2013 they\u2019ve all survived. Was it because of me or in spite of me? The jury\u2019s still out.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

\n\n\n\n

Joanne Sherman is a resident of Shelter Island and a longtime Times Review columnist.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Author\u2019s note: Names have been changed to protect the innocent, who are now fully grown and walk among us. \u201cThis isn\u2019t going to end well,\u201d I was warned by my nearest and dearest. I\u2019d volunteered to substitute for an ailing Sunday school teacher, minding her class of 5- and 6-year-olds. 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